Insomnia??? Uhhh not again!!!

I’ve been awake for quite some time now, like real long hours. My eyes just won’t close again after waking up and I virtually can’t do a darn thing. I’ve lingered in my thoughts ever since until now when I decided to pick my phone and try to punch a few words out of it.

Sleep used to be my thing. I’ve had some awful experiences with sleep way back, like leaving my friends hanging on a show that I invited them to (and we were suppose to have a performance that night… Oh no!) and missing an exam in my 300L. Those were horrible experiences actually that I seldom talk about. It wasn’t totally my fault though but you might wanna ask again, whose fault was it then…really??

You know as an architecture student, nights after studio submissions were usually awful like in the case of the show. And after nights of all think, draw, and no sleep you come home uber exhausted with the mind set of whoa, at last I can finally sleep peacefully today, you drop your bag on the floor, sit or lay on the couch and at times with maybe a plate of hot juicy meal staring at you, but you open your eyes and you notice some light flashing through them. In your mind you’re like who’s flashing that touch through my eyes, it’s kinda blurry at first but you soon realise that yay! It’s yet another morning long gone already and at times even afternoon with that meal still where you left it… Wth! There’s nothing you can do about it at that point cos yesterday’s far gone. My friends always make reference to that day and I wish I never left them hanging; wish I never closed my eyes that evening.. (Maybe that’s where my fault comes in yea?)
On the other incident, I read from 12 a.m down 6 in the morning cos I had two papers to write but then again I snapped out just like seizure, woke up two hours later perplexed like I just got out of a coma, arrived 30mins late for the first paper so… Yea I failed that course automatically.

University days were definitely fun and we really had great breathtaking moments as a class with all sorts of And that’s where I got infected by the virus -Insomnia virus. Many years after leaving school and I still battle with nights without sleep, the only times I hate it though are nights when I’m left helpless with nothing to do, but for the most part, I kinda love it in a strange way cos I’ve found a way of containing it, so, if I’m not writing or producing a song then I just might be trying to finish up your house… Hehehe!
But today, I’m not doing either of those, instead I’m blogging about why I’m still up at this hour without closing my lashes when others are in Mars, Jupiter and some, uhmmm… right next to me! Hehehe don’t get it twisted though.. Lol!

Gazing At The Stars…

It’s so refreshing lying back on da mat gazing at these beautiful stars. Thank God for the rains at least the breeze’s no longer stagnant, and with every brush on ma skin I kinda’ wonder, what lies in the deep? Beyond the galaxies, beyond the darkness, there has to be something in their, the Holy book tells me so…

I’ve had cause to make wishes sometimes cos I’d just seen a shooting star, other times I just get lost in ma thoughts trying to fix it, hrrrrrr it takes a lil while to mend habbits I figure, but it doesn’t hurt trying each day either.

These days all that clouds ma mind is trying to fix ma new crib, trying to create beauty with limited resources, possible?? (Anything’s possible hehe). And that’s what amazes me. How I’ve moved from being mama’s little boy to an adult, and now what, a young bachelor?? Hmmmm really weird if you ask me. I look at myself sometimes and ask dude, so in a couple of years now you’re not gonna be single anymore?? I’ve never envied any leadership roles in the past and this… Yea pls don’t say I already know, I’m gonna be needing those qualities, yo!!! Keeping a wife at home is no easy job let alone having kids. You’re gonna need to be hard sometimes with no room for indecisiveness, I only hope to have a partner that’s gonna complement that.

It’s getting blurry out here and ma eyes are beginning to go dim… Sleep’s knocking on ma door and I’m gladly going to give in, sorry for choosing her over you but then again, its been a long day, whew…hahaha! 🙂


I saw her

stealing glances at me,

smiling with a courteous face

like that of a little kid.

I move but she doesn’t.

She’s only on the billboards,

but she reminds me of her…

I saw her

from the third floor.

My eyes pierced through

the windowpane,

then through the scaffolds,

and I could see the steaming

bowl of corn on her head

as she walks down the sidewalk.

Suddenly she begins to run

chased down by the rains.

She’s heavy but there are

no houses around,

no bus stops, and no shades.

Empathy was looking

from that building, and again,

she reminds me of her…

I saw him,

he had just traveled a long distance

only to come take her home.

She’s his only daughter

and he loved her

like God loved his own.

I couldn’t help but stare and smile,

couldn’t stop my lips from saying,

you remind me of him…

Frozen Music

She speaks,

but not of words.

Only the mind listens and understands.

She puts down notes

on thin sheets of wood

forming new sounds

with every aluminium string played.

Concrete, glass, steel

are but instruments

that adds melody to her unique textured voice.

Once you stare

she never loses,

but then again,

she’s frozen.

Tis so HOT In Hrrrr…

My crazy friend Molosky said “ba a sabawa da zafin Lafia”, meaning, you don’t get use to the heat here in Lafia. He said that a couple ‘a years back when I visited him, fact is I couldn’t relate to it. I saw it just like another phrase but now, I’ll have to learn how to get used to that statement since I can’t get use to the heat. The weather’s just so scorching hot, reason why I never spend a week each time I had to come visit. The only joy about coming here is when you’re going back; just as you approach Jos you begin to feel the cool breeze blow you on the skin and all that moist just gets wiped off by the chilly wind emanating from the coolest city in Nigeria -Jos!! Oh how I miss you already.

Tis a cool> oops … sorry hot sunday afternoon and I’m out in the courtyard lying on my back receiving some fresh air. I can’t go in cos its way too hot in thrrr and the current is soooo uber high right now that I can’t even plug any gadgets to it (I wish.. :> ).

The electricity here is ridiculous and my conclusion, the solar market will definitely boom with little or less effort lest my lungs get choked up by carbon monoxide fuming off from these generators. So, investors where art thou, cos this city needs thee badddddly…lol!!!

My First Day Down The Red Dusty Path!!!

Agitated, I grabbed my shoes tied my laces and zoom I dashed out, I was ready to roll looking as smart as an Architect about to have a Jury. My journey of a thousand miles begins today and boy I can’t blow that up. I wasn’t far from that place, the place where dreams could be made or broken, well mine was about to be made cos I’mma positive mind, I never forget to carry it along, always.

Just a hundred metres away seats that wonderful dreamland I thought, some would kill to be there, I walked gently watching my steps keeping off the dusty path thinking about what lies on the other side. Mehn!! I’ve heard stories, different stories but that’s what they are, just stories, cos what I’m about to face is a reality and I can’t escape that. I wasn’t trembling inside; rather I was only being human asking questions no one could really answer but time.
In a split second I was there at the gate about to step in, step into my dream house? Nah!! Step into my new world sorta’… Hey he said? Are you a new staff here? Y-y-Yes!(What a straight answer). So can I see your ID please? I reached for my wallet, gave him a flash then he let me in, wow! That would be the last time the security man would ask me that anyway. So, huddle one crossed and I am heading for the next one. I got in the big building, and right in front of me sat this lil but calm looking Policeman about my age with his rifle by the side, he was looking down as I walked up to him like I got a message for him and said, good morning Sir! He looked up to me in amazement, and soon the muscles on his face were relaxed and next thing he was screaming my name…. Smiles and laughter as we embraced, that was my hoodie buddy right there from back in the day; our paths had just crossed again. We played football together as kids (both under the scotching hot sun and in the rains for long hours) and never thought we’d ever meet in a place like this again. Did I just meet say uhmmmm.. family? Plus he said he’d just been posted here this morning and was on his first day just like me. What a coincidence I thought! So we got chitty-chatting as the minutes passed since it looked like I was the first staff around aside the cleaners (oh boi see JJC….lol no be my fault na). After much talk I saw some of the faces I knew/recognize walk in and it’s either a good morning Sir/Ma… it kept on for the next 15mins or there about.

Some freshers just like me came by too and after a short while I saw him (he didn’t recognize me…), I let him walk up to his office while I stalked him closely, met the secretary and sat just next to her as I await my Oga at the top!

I didn’t spend 10mins before she showed me through the door, greeted him as he gave me a sit. Introduced myself and next he was like… “oh the Architect”? Yezzzir! Awwwww!!!
He asked for one Mr. Shuaibu to come up and told him to go make me feel at home (did he notice the scary and tensed muscles on my face? Uhhh not again…). So we walked down the stairs and got into this not so big office of say about 2.4×3.6m. This is a tiny office compared to where I’m coming from and shouldn’t be where an architect shoul put up I thought (I’d die of claustrophobia…hehe). Mr. Shuaibu sat on a chair and said toh, this is our office!!! No he didn’t just say that, we, our?? And we’re four here so get used to it. (whaaaaaaaaaaat!!!….what was I expecting anyway? Psssss….). He brushed me through what I should be expecting you know, normal daily routine and stuff and we smiled at a couple of things he’d say as I try to discern his kinda’ person, cool and a bit playful, hit the nail on the head kinda’ guy… yeah he’s a Civil Engineer.

Time passed, memories flashed and next, I was alone in the office with no one around, just me. And like most Nigerians, I dipped my hand in my pocket and pulled out my phone (thank god you’re not dead….) I began playing with it. Darn, is this gonna be the life here cos I’m not use to this. I passed out for a minute or two and bounced back real quick, can’t let them catch me doing that, at least not today I wasn’t gonna let that happen. I tried to force myself to get something doing to keep the bulgy lashes from closing up again but this dude just walks in with a bunch of papers in his hands looking like shreds. It was the electricity guy (Power Holdinggggg…). Gave me a bill and asked me to sign, aight at least this feels a bit cool don’t it?? Hehe… and that would be the only task I’d perform on my first day… really?? Well at least I did something yeah?? Lol!

I began writing this blog post on my phone but just before I could finish the first paragraph, the creepy phone battery fell off the cliff with my phone shutting down, that’s a suicide mehn (but you didn’t save my paragraph you! yelling at it …..).
My Big brother who’s always been like my dad from the onset asked me to write an essay with the title “My First Day at Work” and have it sent to him… Jeez mehn, dude!!! Nah that’s kinda’ obsolete or should I say uhhhhh… a misnomer maybe, you just visit ww.snowballminds.wordpress that’s all!! Lol… (haha oga at d top style). I always knew I was gonna blog about my first day here months before now, kinda’ stuff I love to do and couldn’t let this one go either, I’d love to remember when and where I started from. My former boss is gonna miss me, the Associates too and I miss ‘em just as bad, guess he’d prepared me for this piece a long time ago, I never stopped learning from his big brain. And he loved sharing lil pieces with me always, every time, and every single day…

I looked at my watch and it was still behind, the darn minutes just won’t go quick, foot dragging themselves like soldiers creeping close to the enemy line. I formed busy again and after so many awful hours, unbeknownst I looked at my watch again, boi this isn’t just happening… and if this continues, then maybe I just got a J-O-B, not a CAREER…. (that explains my blog title yeah??? Huh!!). Finally it came, and like everyone else I left the big building where I thought my dreams lay in part. I walked home just as gently as I did the first time in the morning, only this time, I wasn’t mindful of the red dusty path, I was going home anyway, after a hard day’s job….lol!!!

JOURney REflecTs… r0Ad trip to Kanke!!!

My alarm rang at about 4 a.m. and after an hour, I got out of my bed and headed for the bathroom. Simply because I’d reset the timing and pushed the alarm up an hour farther. Don’t blame me… lol

Am I running behind schedule? Uhmmm maybe not, not today at least he’s on time this time and no one will have to wait on him (like seriously??).

Travelling hasn’t been a major when it comes to my hobbies. I’d rather find myself in places I wanted to be at in one nanosecond just like the Rentaghost guys in the old drama series, think I’d be better off, but no way!! Get on the road boi this ain’t a darn movie.
So I hopped in the cab, headed for my boss’s house and there I was, waiting at the gate like a gardener who’d just arrived work early. I didn’t wait too long before my boss’s wife came to show me through the gate. I got in the office, picked up one or two, met with the associates and swoosh! We hit the road. Kanke here we come (Have I been there before? Uhmmmmm… Maybe).

I was at the back seat with my boss strapped to this seatbelt (seatbelt on the backseat are you kidding me?? And I’m like …whatever, Nigerian factor…lol) and as usual, my boss always has something to say in that big mighty brain of his, Einstein’s kinda brain i.e, he’d say stuff that sometimes makes me wonder, how’d you know all these things anyway? And sometimes when I talk, I kinda sound like him in a way (a cool thing actually). We got pass some familiar places we couldn’t ignore and couldn’t help but smile at the sight of them either, like our popular Sector 8 (sounds like a movie name doesn’t it), a dream we almost made a reality through one of our clients’. It could still happen someday though (on a positive).
Sector 8 is a modern city my boss and I designed as part of a proposal for the Greater Jos Master Plan with a Dubai kinda feel (without skin friction though) but all else conforms which could have been a break from the norm on this side of the map. Well that’s that for Sector 8. Some kilometre’s further and next up we’re at Mangu, again another signature; masterpiece, only this time, it was something we can all see and understand and we drank to it, to all to the excitement and after a couple of smiles amidst convos of fulfillment, we kept on with the journey. It was the Mangu Local Government secretariat designed by my boss.

Hmmmmm tis been a while… For quite some time now I kinda lost it. More like I lost my mojo, I couldn’t write, couldn’t make music, not even my crony (diary) could feel the gentle brush of my pen breathing it’s warmth through its cold pages at midnight. I became rough on the edges. Everything was breaking away, from my hair down the bottom of my sole running deep inside, underneath my skin where beauty lies. Happiness has since relegated from my face now lurking in the shadows, I couldn’t find her. Days came, nights passed and all I had to do was keep a poker face, I was so cool on the outside but no! Not innate not there, that’s what cushions the blow… I was bruising gently… and easily… Yeah I had that too, dusty Bible? Huh! Productivity wasn’t anywhere near me and I closed my lashes more than I worked. But this journey would soon change all that. 😦

Some few weeks before now, I began picking up the pieces little by little and yeah, the images in my mirror were becoming more like me and began to make some pretty sense plus I could recognize ‘em, but what am I doing right? Is it waking up early and going for morning mass? It was doing it subliminally; maybe, well I took no cognizance of it really. So even before we got to Mangu I saw myself doing stuff I use to do a couple of years ago. I’d drink to the atmosphere; keep my ears glued to the ground tryna find the next white rapper…lol; gaze at every billboard, take the words and flip ‘em backwards, think about my life, hobbies, and me in the future. I was doing all that and the last time I checked, it was about what, a year ago? …maybe less, but that was me right there tryna take back what’s mine – my soul, my happiness.

Of cause I dozed off at some point during the journey, but for the most part, I was ‘wide awake’ like the song by Katy Perry that gets me tryna discern folks on the road each time I walked pass ‘em while playing in my head (so much love that song, yeah aight and the singer too…). 😉
Anyways, we got to Kanke, took some satellite images and some of the dilapidated structures called the secretariat amongst other buildings within the premises and in 20-30 mins we were done, can I please say ‘we was done’? Thanks, makes me feel better… So we left for the next stop, did every we had to, and began the journey back to Jos where we’d started and by 4 p.m. thanks goodness Lord, we were at Madam Calabar already rocking her plates with spoons and forks… yup yup we was in Jos, we was back home.

Tis a quarter pass 2 a.m. and I’m pressing my keyboard joyously, forming words from the abc’s locked in my long head moving in random motion and mehn tis so refreshing. I can’t believe tis me writing again after such a long time and I remember thinking through while on this wonderful journey about how awesome it feels whenever I write, I described it as talking to the one that really matters – my diary, in one of my pages. But my good friend and inspiration when it comes writing, Ngovou, says it keeps her sane. Isn’t that just picture perfect? The best way to say it and I believe it too.
When I travel, I sleep more, but this time I took a trip and drifted off the beaten path albeit a bumpy ride and still got the best outa the worst situation, I’d give up anything in the world to have another trip just like this one again…
The automatic snapping out mode, the wild thoughts, the unconscious act of day dreaming, all didn’t do it for me. The trip did. It brought me back to life, brought me back to who I am, and yeah…, it brought me “Ma Mojo Back”!!!…

These are wild thoughts that run through my mind twenyfour-seven, wild thoughts that could make or break me, wild thoughts locked inside of me… inside snowballminds!!! 😉

Release Therapy!!! Why Holding It???

Tis 3 a.m and am forced to close my lashes by this wonderful Power Holding Company.. People like me with little or no access to alternative source of electricity will have to go through this on a daily basis at least before it gets better. I wouldn’t lie though, to some degree, power supply in my country Nigeria has greatly improved but you know, the human mind is never satisfied no matter how hard you try and instead, we just appreciate you negatively hehe… I have a deadline to meet on a whole bunch of works of which would’ve been close to say uhmmm… 60% completion by morning. But just half way into the night, we’re experiencing power shortage already.. huhhhh!!! The cause? really obscure coz I can’t smell any rains or thunderstorms close by, neither do I see a fallen pole somewhere, may be some internal problems then… yeah! internal problems.. maybe!! I hope there’ll be internal problems when bills come hanging on my doorpost, or get to see a slight difference in my cost per current consumed, or maybe some reductions in my monthly fixed meter maintenance fee. Then I’d be able to strike a balance and understand why I had to go to bed early, why I’d have to lay on my bed with insomnia boldy written on my chest, and why I’d have to get some extra fuel to run my (I beta pass my neighbour) generator just not to dissapoint my clients the next day. In a crazy way though tis always been a Deja vu with the replay button stuck right inside my nose getting pressed by every breath that I breathe out.
Tonight I lay aggravated, albeit agitated at first, but now all that surrounds me is darkness and with my eyes wide open I type, hoping for a better day.. someday… More like the rainy days after the storm…
Tis been Snowball thinking out loud, in the mind I.e. And though it wasn’t intended for you to see/hear, sorry I made you look/listen. I thought only I could hear, haha!… 1, 2, 3, 4,…. 9, 10,.. Until I hop into lalaland.. Blah.. blah… blahbablaah!!

Money Spending Formula?? Or uhmmm… The “3” Formula!!!

My very first blog post and I’m wondering just what to write about. The other day after my boss and I had gone through the stress of all work and no play… we finally wrapped it up with this presentation and shortly afterwards came the happy moment… “Please make my slim wallet fat and add up some weight or even get it obese,” i wouldn’t mind that at all… lol! So after making me happy he left me with these words… Emma! Let me ask you, how do you spend your cash? See, what I normally do – I share mine into three equal parts, one for family, one for my personal needs or what I call running cost, and the last one takes care of my project he said. Hmmm… Interesting and dumbfounded I stood and watched him walk away!! What I thought? It makes a whole lot of sense to me, nothing negative. Well if I never had a spending plan before, at least now I do. Or maybe I did have one in the past, last time i checked, it wasn’t working! So how about we give this a try… Before then though, Bambi my friend just made half a million bucks not long ago and within a split second, he blew it all up, nothing left but just passports and atm cards in his empty wallet. I’m sure by now some of you’d be like… I bet he’s talking about me!!! But let’s just cut to the chase while I let you chew on that. Have you been such people who spent all their cash quicker than they got it, or have you been at the other end swimming in flat pockets coz you couldn’t give an account of how you squandered your hard earned precious gold? Word is, I was just like you a couple of years ago, so hard to get, yet so easy to spend. Tis been a case of “no spending plan” and everything that came just got washed away by flood plus, not even a single penny got saved. Apparently, if a problem came, of cause it had to be bailed out, thereby incurring tons and tons of depths that would add up to the spends of the next probable income. Probable because in a sense, there is little or no chance at all that it’s gonna come again and well if it eventually does, perhaps there was no stipulated time or period. Thus, money fixed or intended for a need could as well be diverted for a want without a second thought, and possible cause of action? Simply indiscipline!

The best way to use money often times seems like the hardest thing to do especially when in hand. This popular cliché says a bird in hand is worth ten in the bush…. But I wouldn’t say the same for money, instead I’d simply say or put this up, < “ money in hand without a plan is worth  nothing at all.” So what’s the way out?

  • How do you make the best of your limited resources
  • How do you get what you need and not what you want. Best of all…
  • How do you solve your problems in full and not in part…

Call it the sharing formula or better yet, the spending triangle. But I call it The “3” Formula… a saving grace for all…

Let’s see how it goes on my next blog post… But remember, save some for the rainy days!!! haha…

TwEnTY TwO iS HeRe!

Dear Ma,

It’s the twenty second day in the month of April, the month that gave me a voice over the microphone; the very day my world crashed at my face. Not because I’m grieving, but because I miss goofing around you. These days I goof around me alone in the house behind my walls with no one to laugh at me, or play the mouth drum just so I could dance some more.

I find myself getting invigorated from the words you left buried in my soul, I couldn’t forget them no matter how hard I tried… They just keep flooding around me like rivers overflowing their banks – I just couldn’t contain them.

Word after word each day they came, until sentences they made, beautiful phrases I’m able to decipher to write them on clay tabs on my chest.

Mama, two years it’s been without you and sometimes I wanna just stare into the blue skies hoping to catch a glimpse of your face hidden somewhere in the clouds, or I pierce into the deep see if I could find your smiles in one of those bright stars…

Yet I find strength still, knowing you’re just where you need to be…

Ma… maybe the world has got the best of me, but know that each day I’m able to get-up-and-go, get up and fight for me because you taught me better. Thank you Mama for all the prayers, but now I must do them myself.

Yours in memory, very much in my heart still…

Emmanuel Atta’ah Adagbo

April 23rd 2019


CaLm OvER RaGE!!!

Dear Ma,

It’s the first day in April, twenty one days before my day went dark. Two weeks ago I found myself in your room and suddenly it felt like I couldn’t breathe again and all the laughter I came with just vanished through the walls like heat losses.

I thought deeply and there I saw you kneeling down beside the bed with your voice as audible as the choirs’. I sat there for a minute trying to soak in the moment but it only brought me memories.

Days passed, and I still wasn’t over it. I felt and saw an empty space albeit people still lived and played in it. It wasn’t April yet, but it was March, and I still couldn’t find myself right in that city, in that room, and on that bed where you lay.

If I’d thought about waking up one hurtful morning to find you away from me, then that moment only brought me tears, cos you’d always told me,

whatever I’m doing for you son, it’s for you and your wife, your children, and not for me.

Little did I know you weren’t gonna be there to hold my hand, so now I can see clearly how true that is.

My life story depicts yours in its entity, I choose calm over rage Ma, you thought me that through all your life and now I’m living it Mama.

Good night Inen, lOvE always,

April 1st 2019


WHaT liFE HaS TauGHT mE…

I am my own antivirus, I scan through my system every now and again I never stop scanning, and I never stop quarantining myself either because there’s always an escapee; always one mosquito that sieves through the net.

Humans are built to endure whatever it is life throws at them but we don’t just get there, plus a superhero isn’t built in one day it takes time so before one becomes that role model or attains that celebrity or s-class status, look inward bro, there’s always a story that follows.

I’ve been in bed for some long hours but still unable to catch some sleep, you might wanna ask why?? Do I even know? Been thinking through the darkness while my eyes were wide open, going to Italy and back, performing to a thousand crowd and back, designing a masterpiece and back I’ve fulfilled all of my dreams within a very short period all in one night but guess what? It’s all in my head just like the girl said she was gonna marry Nick Lachey in the song. Sometimes I ask myself, is it really cool to fantasize? Well not in your subconscious I.e… Lol.

A million and one times over I’ve wished that I approached life aggressively from the onset and not calmly like I always did, I’ve lived a life of procrastination and getting comfortable but all that’s in the past. I tell you what, life sucks when you’re in the doldrums, in your mind you’re moving, you turn to see how far you’ve covered only to realize you’re still stuck right where you started.

I came pretty late in my family tree thusly most times I didn’t have to fight hard to get what I wanted unlike my older brothers. But I’m glad I had them, cos I saw how they had to struggle work their arse out to get to where they are now and me, w…well I think I have extra energy with the skill to match.

I’ve had to learn the hard way though, forcing myself out of my comfort zone to be useful and not just waste away I wasn’t born that way, just a weirdo who only wanted to play and not go to school. But thanks to my mother who’d always taught and shown me how important schooling was, cos it helped build this dude who now feels he can conquer and do anything and my mind just keeps traveling, that’s what life has taught me: keep traveling until you finally reach that destination; find what you’re looking for.

And remember, always try to seize the moment, don’t let it slip cos you might never get it back!!!

tHe deCisiON…

There comes a time when everything begins to make sense, blurry images become clear again, lost memories come back alive, flashes become stale and darkness disappears until light consumes it all…

And that’s when you just wake up and you realize you’ve been living in a dream all along cos this right here my friend, this is reality.

I’d been trapped in that dream for close to two decades now (darn that’s a long time mehn) and I just got up, I’m glad I was pricked to, some people live in that dream all their lives; they never wake up.

There were things I’d kept a deaf ear at for so long, little things I thought didn’t matter much, but then recently I realised those things actually defined me and who I was to myself, you know it’s like letting your spirit come out your body so you can look at your whole entity, scan it through and see you in detail, with all the blemishes, pain, and happiness that make up your persona.

Something like an antivirus scanning through your computer for viruses? That’s when you begin to see what you wanna take out and try to change about yourself, what habits you’re willing to allow and which ones you wanna purge, and what new programs (habits) you wanna install.

It gets to that point and maybe it got to me hard this time, cos I’ve had course to make the hardest deCisiON, one that would soon define who I am, and one I’m willing to live with. One I can look me in the mirror and be proud, one that pulls me closer to my dreams, and one that makes me!!!

April 22, ’17

1:28 am

tHe GiRl I’m GOnna maRRy…

I was walking back home from the office the other day and as I did, I asked meself, what if the girl I finally get to settle down with doesn’t like POetRy? In my mind I was already hysterical as I walked along the sidewalk, it was all I thought about in my long 15minute walk on an average speed of a hundred steps per minute… Hehehe. On a normal day that was uber fast but today wasn’t one of such lucky slow days, I was so impatient and wanted to start writing.

For starters, I’m still single, and searching hard cos I miss being in lOvE, my last love story didn’t last long so I’ve been back around single for what, two years? Yeah and I’ve been in love with the same girl ever since (yeah I get it, but hey keep your voice down, I could hear you telling me to get a life and move on already, you’re that loud… Lol).

But have I really searched? Hmmmmm maybe not hard enough and I think in my two years of being sober (yeah not with the booze… Lol), I’ve met two girls who would have made me get all romantic and emotional again cos I’ve actually forgotten how, but somehow I lost contact with one and the other well, it didn’t just work out right so I kinda fell all in with my first love – music!

In all but one of my past relationships, they never really liked my music thing like they had some kind of a rivalry or something going on which got me thinking they never liked rap until I found them rapping to Eminem and I’m like “Yo’i thought you didn’t like rap?” Hmmmmm or maybe you never really liked me cos the awful face you put out didn’t need someone to say, “hands down” hommie, she’s just not into your Hip Hop thang.

But the last one, my ex, remember, the one I’m still in lOvE with? (Oh I thought you forgot lol) OK so back to the story, at least showed interest and even calls me “rapper” sometimes, and to some degree liked my rap, (loves my writing, and is probably reading this now), and also is enthusiastic about my music, kinda cool if you ask me, but the penultimate one I thought did, a pebble dropped in the river, and the ripple effect just told me how phoney she’d been – (😔).

So all that got me thinking, just maybe… Maybe the woman I’m gonna marry won’t even like my cooking or she’d be so good a chef that she’ll think my cooking sucks! Maybe she wouldn’t like POetRy, or won’t even like it when I get all romantic on her with a gift box I made just for her or have her portrait paiNtinG hanging on the wall, or she might just think my rap song’s wack too… Yeah, and well it’ll be okay not to like all those cos I’ll still do them anyway.

I imagine wRiTinG a poem and having no one to read it to, or wRiTinG a song or a paiNtinG she’d never get to hear/ see or hang on her wall…

I’m not saying it’s gonna be that way but I’m just asking questions like what if she loves me but not what I do? (and maybe this should be the subject to my next song lol).

So well I’m just saying it’s okay if you don’t like all them things, but it only means I’ll have to figure out how to do them in a way that you’re gonna like or find things that interest you and don’t worry if POetRy, raP, paiNtinG, or cOOkinG isn’t one of them… It only means we’ll have to explore the outskirts

lOvE you to the moon baBes, and where are you sef? Cos I’m still trying to find you!

My GPS got me lost in the woods…

i liED, i cHEatED… “tHe tEll iT aLL”

It’s gonna be a long read try sticking to the end… And I’m gonna be blunt on this one!

I grew up in the ghettos of Jos, a good kid with core values (yeah I was raised by my mother). I used to be so shy chicks were like neon lights, I had to stop and stare from a distance before putting away my face whenever I saw one. But along the line something dramatic happened and all that changed, how I got  transformed still remains a clueless journey to my brain but all of a sudden I grew from that reserved, shy, not so talking kid to this outgoing, funny, and goofing around kid that sometimes had to be called to order by my cousins… Lol. 

So here’s my story… 

Now I have a Girlfriend, everything I ever needed in a woman is buried like gold in this supernatural being, and thinking back now I’d say, love found us. I didn’t fight much like I always had to do to convince her to stay, but she’d been around ever since I made that commitment to keep her by my side. She’s beautiful, funny, smart, goofy, intelligent, listens to everything I ever have to say and it doesn’t matter the time or place or what kind of mood she’s in, she just listens. She’s been there when those tears ran, when I felt ashamed of letting water come out my eyes while she watched; she’d say “It’s OK just let them, you don’t have to worry about that; I got you,” squeezing me tightly to herself. 

My highest moments came and the first person I wanted to tell was her, good or bad she’d always had words that made me feel safe; she’d never cheated on me to this day, she’d been true and sincere, and she always tells a brother those words that we love to hear “I love you babe,” and says it until those words fall gently on the skin penetrating deeply beneath, hitting the bones before finally dying in a brother’s heart, she held nothing back! 

But did I stab her in the back, did I take all of her trust for granted? Maybe I did, maybe I thought this day would never come, but my telltale blushes sold me out; I was helpless when it all started. From one, to another, and another, then another until now I have about four side chicks… I feel so ashamed of myself saying this in front of the world but if that helps me put off my guilty face, then I’m ready to be the author of “the tell it all” story.

I met her while I was in Remedials, young, beautiful she was a jewel and a fair one, nothing serious we were just friends. I thought I could keep her only as that, in those sack clothings, but she wanted more so she drifted. I hadn’t any skills of taming a wild horse so instead, I got tamed by the wild horse. She opened up the door to my cheating and by my first year things got intense. It came with a tornado kind of force, I didn’t have the strength to push it back but I didn’t get out of the way either. I stood still when I could’ve ran, and when I should’ve said no I said yes, and that’s where it all began.

I told her about my Girlfriend in a bid to put her off but to my amazement she was cool; she was OK with being the second class citizen so we kept every shit under the radar, never got caught. She knows how much I loved being innovative and would see me through every thought process. She helped me crest a title to my name. I’ve invested time, energy and money into our secret relationship but for every kobo spent, I got a double, and every once in a while, my flat wallet gets puffed up. She tells me “As long as I’m here, you’ll never miss a thing even when your job doesn’t pay.” I’ve told you this before, “l’ll always be here.” She is open and lovely and knows just exactly how to treat a man. She was the first of them all, my first fling, the first of my guilty nightmares.

Now my second side chick, we share a love-hate kind of relationship. The type you’d refer to as the “It’s complicated” type. We fight all the time for no darn reason and fall back in love again, she knows the things I hate but still does them anyway, she won’t stop not even when I want her to, but then again on the flip side, she knows how to love me more than anyone else, she’s Bae… She’s that complexity that defines a woman. And just when I think I’ve had her all figured out like a Rubik’s cube, a new coloured cube just pops up open and I’m left to deal with it all over again. She’s an enigma and from what planet she fell? I really don’t know, but as alien-like as she is, I still keep her close… Making love to this sensual being is like one made in paradise, not of this world. I can’t leave her even when I want to, her lips are like poison to my soul, and at the brush of it, the salve runs through my veins faster than a vipers venom, until my brain shuts down completely. 

Then my third, the cool headed one, she gives me peace. Whenever I have a problem I run to her, always has ears for me. She reminds me of my Girlfriend sort of, but she barely speaks and even when I talk from now till the next morning, she’s always ready to hear me out. She might not have all the solutions to my problems, but, at least she let’s me figure it out myself. She makes me think outside the box. Gives me course to research until I got to the root of it, she helps me be a man of my own all by myself. It was her idea, but she’d rather I take the center stage while she lurks in the shadows. It was always all about me. 

And lastly, my fourth, my behind the counter chick. I don’t do much alcohol, I only drink when I’m around friends, just a bottle or two and I’m out, next will be in a couple of months so this, she only comes around when I drink. But then anytime she comes around, she leaves memories that last for eons. She knows how to perfectly connect. And I’m not just talking me, you’d have to notice her ethereal beauty and charisma, she has this persona that is so revealing with a wonderful panache to match. She’s the life of the party like it as not, and each time we’re together, I almost never exist, and it’s like I’m invisible cos you only see her, maybe after a while you just notice this creepy little guy beside her who you wonder how the heck in the world these two got together and came to be in the first place, and the worst part… She’s my side chick! 

I’d gotten frisky with these women, had and shared beautiful moments together, but this is just another day in the life of Snowball, a day “I chose to let it all out.” For those of you who are so disappointed in me (I know a whole lot are), I’m sorry but I’m not perfect, (I know you’re probably reading this Girly but I couldn’t tell it to your face), sorry I let you down, but it’s who I am and I can’t change that.

To the most beautiful Girlfriend in the world (music), you know I love you to the moon baBe, you’re irreplaceable and you know it. Now I’m not trying to be manipulative but what we share is one that cannot be measured, we are invincible and nothing can stop us, we’re heading for the stars. We’d be the fist couple to ever live in it… And I just wanna say “I’m sorry!”

And to my side chicks ARcHiteCtuRe, POetRy, wRiTinG, and paiNtinG in that order, I love you beautiful ladies too, but only as side chicks and conques. I’d do anything for you, take you to the Caribbeans, buy you all the good stuff; diamonds and pearls just about anything, but then again truth is, I can never leave her for you… Music? She’s my life! And it’s like we’re married already, so I can’t sign the divorce papers, I’m sorry!!!

lOvE mE, lOvE mE nOt…

I don’t know much about hyenas 

but I know much about love…

Not because I’d been in it for too long

But beause I’d been in captivity 

the most times alone . . . 

They say there’s nothing worse than that

and I believe them

I’ve seen my eyes pierce a heart

made of the hardest of steel,

yet I couldn’t make it bleed

my heart has melted the purest of gold

and yet still, 

none I could turn into riches 

Have I been so wrong the whole time

about love? 

OR is my fragile heart too perky and sublime

for it to harbor? 

A sublimity that’s better off alone.

Or maybe nothing fits

And my size 10 sneakers

are too large for you to sit

Or maybe I have too small a heart,

too little to have you live in it;

you for whom the heart tolls.

But what happens 

when the curtains open?

would you be there to hold my hand? 

Would you lOvE mE still,

or would you lOvE mE nOt?

But I know that smile already, 

and you’re just gonna leave anyway…