tHe deCisiON…

There comes a time when everything begins to make sense, blurry images become clear again, lost memories come back alive, flashes become stale and darkness disappears until light consumes it all…

And that’s when you just wake up and you realize you’ve been living in a dream all along cos this right here my friend, this is reality.

I’d been trapped in that dream for close to two decades now (darn that’s a long time mehn) and I just got up, I’m glad I was pricked to, some people live in that dream all their lives; they never wake up.

There were things I’d kept a deaf ear at for so long, little things I thought didn’t matter much, but then recently I realised those things actually defined me and who I was to myself, you know it’s like letting your spirit come out your body so you can look at your whole entity, scan it through and see you in detail, with all the blemishes, pain, and happiness that make up your persona.

Something like an antivirus scanning through your computer for viruses? That’s when you begin to see what you wanna take out and try to change about yourself, what habits you’re willing to allow and which ones you wanna purge, and what new programs (habits) you wanna install.

It gets to that point and maybe it got to me hard this time, cos I’ve had course to make the hardest deCisiON, one that would soon define who I am, and one I’m willing to live with. One I can look me in the mirror and be proud, one that pulls me closer to my dreams, and one that makes me!!!

April 22, ’17

1:28 am

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tHe GiRl I’m GOnna maRRy…

I was walking back home from the office the other day and as I did, I asked meself, what if the girl I finally get to settle down with doesn’t like POetRy? In my mind I was already hysterical as I walked along the sidewalk, it was all I thought about in my long 15minute walk on an average speed of a hundred steps per minute… Hehehe. On a normal day that was uber fast but today wasn’t one of such lucky slow days, I was so impatient and wanted to start writing.

For starters, I’m still single, and searching hard cos I miss being in lOvE, my last love story didn’t last long so I’ve been back around single for what, two years? Yeah and I’ve been in love with the same girl ever since (yeah I get it, but hey keep your voice down, I could hear you telling me to get a life and move on already, you’re that loud… Lol).

But have I really searched? Hmmmmm maybe not hard enough and I think in my two years of being sober (yeah not with the booze… Lol), I’ve met two girls who would have made me get all romantic and emotional again cos I’ve actually forgotten how, but somehow I lost contact with one and the other well, it didn’t just work out right so I kinda fell all in with my first love – music!

In all but one of my past relationships, they never really liked my music thing like they had some kind of a rivalry or something going on which got me thinking they never liked rap until I found them rapping to Eminem and I’m like “Yo’i thought you didn’t like rap?” Hmmmmm or maybe you never really liked me cos the awful face you put out didn’t need someone to say, “hands down” hommie, she’s just not into your Hip Hop thang.

But the last one, my ex, remember, the one I’m still in lOvE with? (Oh I thought you forgot lol) OK so back to the story, at least showed interest and even calls me “rapper” sometimes, and to some degree liked my rap, (loves my writing, and is probably reading this now), and also is enthusiastic about my music, kinda cool if you ask me, but the penultimate one I thought did, a pebble dropped in the river, and the ripple effect just told me how phoney she’d been – (😔).

So all that got me thinking, just maybe… Maybe the woman I’m gonna marry won’t even like my cooking or she’d be so good a chef that she’ll think my cooking sucks! Maybe she wouldn’t like POetRy, or won’t even like it when I get all romantic on her with a gift box I made just for her or have her portrait paiNtinG hanging on the wall, or she might just think my rap song’s wack too… Yeah, and well it’ll be okay not to like all those cos I’ll still do them anyway.

I imagine wRiTinG a poem and having no one to read it to, or wRiTinG a song or a paiNtinG she’d never get to hear/ see or hang on her wall…

I’m not saying it’s gonna be that way but I’m just asking questions like what if she loves me but not what I do? (and maybe this should be the subject to my next song lol).

So well I’m just saying it’s okay if you don’t like all them things, but it only means I’ll have to figure out how to do them in a way that you’re gonna like or find things that interest you and don’t worry if POetRy, raP, paiNtinG, or cOOkinG isn’t one of them… It only means we’ll have to explore the outskirts

lOvE you to the moon baBes, and where are you sef? Cos I’m still trying to find you!

My GPS got me lost in the woods…

i liED, i cHEatED… “tHe tEll iT aLL”

It’s gonna be a long read try sticking to the end… And I’m gonna be blunt on this one!

I grew up in the ghettos of Jos, a good kid with core values (yeah I was raised by my mother). I used to be so shy chicks were like neon lights, I had to stop and stare from a distance before putting away my face whenever I saw one. But along the line something dramatic happened and all that changed, how I got  transformed still remains a clueless journey to my brain but all of a sudden I grew from that reserved, shy, not so talking kid to this outgoing, funny, and goofing around kid that sometimes had to be called to order by my cousins… Lol. 

So here’s my story… 

Now I have a Girlfriend, everything I ever needed in a woman is buried like gold in this supernatural being, and thinking back now I’d say, love found us. I didn’t fight much like I always had to do to convince her to stay, but she’d been around ever since I made that commitment to keep her by my side. She’s beautiful, funny, smart, goofy, intelligent, listens to everything I ever have to say and it doesn’t matter the time or place or what kind of mood she’s in, she just listens. She’s been there when those tears ran, when I felt ashamed of letting water come out my eyes while she watched; she’d say “It’s OK just let them, you don’t have to worry about that; I got you,” squeezing me tightly to herself. 

My highest moments came and the first person I wanted to tell was her, good or bad she’d always had words that made me feel safe; she’d never cheated on me to this day, she’d been true and sincere, and she always tells a brother those words that we love to hear “I love you babe,” and says it until those words fall gently on the skin penetrating deeply beneath, hitting the bones before finally dying in a brother’s heart, she held nothing back! 

But did I stab her in the back, did I take all of her trust for granted? Maybe I did, maybe I thought this day would never come, but my telltale blushes sold me out; I was helpless when it all started. From one, to another, and another, then another until now I have about four side chicks… I feel so ashamed of myself saying this in front of the world but if that helps me put off my guilty face, then I’m ready to be the author of “the tell it all” story.

I met her while I was in Remedials, young, beautiful she was a jewel and a fair one, nothing serious we were just friends. I thought I could keep her only as that, in those sack clothings, but she wanted more so she drifted. I hadn’t any skills of taming a wild horse so instead, I got tamed by the wild horse. She opened up the door to my cheating and by my first year things got intense. It came with a tornado kind of force, I didn’t have the strength to push it back but I didn’t get out of the way either. I stood still when I could’ve ran, and when I should’ve said no I said yes, and that’s where it all began.

I told her about my Girlfriend in a bid to put her off but to my amazement she was cool; she was OK with being the second class citizen so we kept every shit under the radar, never got caught. She knows how much I loved being innovative and would see me through every thought process. She helped me crest a title to my name. I’ve invested time, energy and money into our secret relationship but for every kobo spent, I got a double, and every once in a while, my flat wallet gets puffed up. She tells me “As long as I’m here, you’ll never miss a thing even when your job doesn’t pay.” I’ve told you this before, “l’ll always be here.” She is open and lovely and knows just exactly how to treat a man. She was the first of them all, my first fling, the first of my guilty nightmares.

Now my second side chick, we share a love-hate kind of relationship. The type you’d refer to as the “It’s complicated” type. We fight all the time for no darn reason and fall back in love again, she knows the things I hate but still does them anyway, she won’t stop not even when I want her to, but then again on the flip side, she knows how to love me more than anyone else, she’s Bae… She’s that complexity that defines a woman. And just when I think I’ve had her all figured out like a Rubik’s cube, a new coloured cube just pops up open and I’m left to deal with it all over again. She’s an enigma and from what planet she fell? I really don’t know, but as alien-like as she is, I still keep her close… Making love to this sensual being is like one made in paradise, not of this world. I can’t leave her even when I want to, her lips are like poison to my soul, and at the brush of it, the salve runs through my veins faster than a vipers venom, until my brain shuts down completely. 

Then my third, the cool headed one, she gives me peace. Whenever I have a problem I run to her, always has ears for me. She reminds me of my Girlfriend sort of, but she barely speaks and even when I talk from now till the next morning, she’s always ready to hear me out. She might not have all the solutions to my problems, but, at least she let’s me figure it out myself. She makes me think outside the box. Gives me course to research until I got to the root of it, she helps me be a man of my own all by myself. It was her idea, but she’d rather I take the center stage while she lurks in the shadows. It was always all about me. 

And lastly, my fourth, my behind the counter chick. I don’t do much alcohol, I only drink when I’m around friends, just a bottle or two and I’m out, next will be in a couple of months so this, she only comes around when I drink. But then anytime she comes around, she leaves memories that last for eons. She knows how to perfectly connect. And I’m not just talking me, you’d have to notice her ethereal beauty and charisma, she has this persona that is so revealing with a wonderful panache to match. She’s the life of the party like it as not, and each time we’re together, I almost never exist, and it’s like I’m invisible cos you only see her, maybe after a while you just notice this creepy little guy beside her who you wonder how the heck in the world these two got together and came to be in the first place, and the worst part… She’s my side chick! 

I’d gotten frisky with these women, had and shared beautiful moments together, but this is just another day in the life of Snowball, a day “I chose to let it all out.” For those of you who are so disappointed in me (I know a whole lot are), I’m sorry but I’m not perfect, (I know you’re probably reading this Girly but I couldn’t tell it to your face), sorry I let you down, but it’s who I am and I can’t change that.

To the most beautiful Girlfriend in the world (music), you know I love you to the moon baBe, you’re irreplaceable and you know it. Now I’m not trying to be manipulative but what we share is one that cannot be measured, we are invincible and nothing can stop us, we’re heading for the stars. We’d be the fist couple to ever live in it… And I just wanna say “I’m sorry!”

And to my side chicks ARcHiteCtuRe, POetRy, wRiTinG, and paiNtinG in that order, I love you beautiful ladies too, but only as side chicks and conques. I’d do anything for you, take you to the Caribbeans, buy you all the good stuff; diamonds and pearls just about anything, but then again truth is, I can never leave her for you… Music? She’s my life! And it’s like we’re married already, so I can’t sign the divorce papers, I’m sorry!!!

lOvE mE, lOvE mE nOt…

I don’t know much about hyenas 

but I know much about love…

Not because I’d been in it for too long

But beause I’d been in captivity 

the most times alone . . . 

They say there’s nothing worse than that

and I believe them

I’ve seen my eyes pierce a heart

made of the hardest of steel,

yet I couldn’t make it bleed

my heart has melted the purest of gold

and yet still, 

none I could turn into riches 

Have I been so wrong the whole time

about love? 

OR is my fragile heart too perky and sublime

for it to harbor? 

A sublimity that’s better off alone.

Or maybe nothing fits

And my size 10 sneakers

are too large for you to sit

Or maybe I have too small a heart,

too little to have you live in it;

you for whom the heart tolls.

But what happens 

when the curtains open?

would you be there to hold my hand? 

Would you lOvE mE still,

or would you lOvE mE nOt?

But I know that smile already, 

and you’re just gonna leave anyway… 

Oh Stubborn Heart!!! 

Oh stubborn heart

Why do you cause me so much pain? 

You troll the entire city of hopelessness 

only to leave me in anguish and disdain.

You’ve relegated me to the flangs.

And even when I want out,

your persistence keeps me locked in the deep.

Wallowing in addiction I’ve become your slave,

my feet’s too heavy and unable to move.

And I understand your strength comes

from the ray of sunlight,

straining through that bright tiny hole;

That illume you say is your victory song,

but what you keep forgetting is the darkness.

Darkness that will soon consume you to itself

until there’s nothing left…

I’m weak, tired, and inundated.

For everything I ever owned

no longer belongs to me,

and all I’d been trying to reach

keeps going far-off farther away from me.

You clinch your fist

and cling to that wand you hold.

Your resilience is second to non,

you’ve got me all worked up in your delusional fairytale.

And I’ve seen great kings fall to your mellow.

Albeit I made a vow to not be like them,

what do I do

when all of me you own?
Oh stubborn heart!

Let me saddle this horse of freedom.

My soul yearns

but you keep me bounded at both ends.

And your holding on for too long drains me,

it saps every cell in me until I’m all dried up.

Let that first drop of rain touch me on my black skin,

let it turn my leaves green;

let it revive me.

Let my troubled soul come out that jar,

set this genie free.

For I’m ready to let go;

ready to fly away.

Yes!

I’m ready to find my lost sheep!! 

I’m Not The Man In The Mirror, But Who Is???

image

That is not me, I see a different man, one who doesn’t care about the pit anymore. He knows he’s gonna fall but unlike his old self he now graciously jumps off the cliff regardless…

But then I ask, what happened to him; what went wrong? Then again I realise that maybe, many days of guilty feelings and constant emotional pressure got him here…

Now ruthless and a lost soul in the world fighting ferociously to have his life back, at least so he could recognise the man in the mirror; the one he used to know; one that gave him every reason to smile, live, and of course love again.

But where could that man be? Has he become of the world, or does he reside still inside this man standing in front of the mirror? Look closely, and you just might find him… right where you stand!!!

The man in the mirror!

Hello…

Hello…

It’s been quite some time, and I was just wondering if you’re still there the way I left you? That purple rose with an exotic heady fragrance. You know I’d always loved to smell you every morning, at least before the sun comes out…

Hello…

Are you still there? I hope your petals still blossom and nothing short? These fingers would love to run through them because they always spark life. But when they don’t, let me create music in them with these same fingers…

Hello…

My name is… ow it’s still me! Is there someone to cheer you up during those moody stressful days when you’d say to me …”I had a rough day”? My name would change to euphoria if they’re able to strike a muscle with just a word, forcing a smile out of your well-sculpted-fragile lips…

Hello…

It’s still me speaking! I don’t know but do you still think of me like you used to? I’m in this beautiful city of Jos, and everything here reminds me of you, remember there’s a word here that best describes you and I don’t have to reiterate that again but maybe it was just a thought, but the thing here is I’m thinking maybe I’m alone on this road… just thinking!

Hello…

I… You care for a glass of smoothie? (What are you doing she’s not here… shhhh!) Oh sorry! Just that I’ve made this countless times hoping that maybe one day you’d get to taste how horrible they are… or maybe you’d love them just like I do?

Hello…

…. ….

Did you see that Angel? Standing there covered in beautiful heavenly wings almost blinding my eyes with her illuminating halo…

Hello…

Do still you still have those conversations deep into the night? Since you went away I could barely hold one longer than my whiskers.

Hello…

Uhmmmm never mind!!! (…just say i……t) not important!!! I’d just let it go.

Hello…

I saw a shooting Star… (I always see one, how lucky 🙂 ). Here’s a thing, each time I see one, a smile covers my face leaving me in awe and shortly afterwards, the wish comes. Happy bubbles fill my brain, consume it, and leave me brainless. But then I realise how all the more beautifully crested you are even in that state… Mentally satisfied I am, leaving the dream in my head, physically fit and free, lips to the side and heads still up I look into the deep and say… The sky is beautiful, thusly; heaven must be something else… And every moment with you felt like this!

Hello…!!!