tHe deCisiON…

There comes a time when everything begins to make sense, blurry images become clear again, lost memories come back alive, flashes become stale and darkness disappears until light consumes it all…

And that’s when you just wake up and you realize you’ve been living in a dream all along cos this right here my friend, this is reality.

I’d been trapped in that dream for close to two decades now (darn that’s a long time mehn) and I just got up, I’m glad I was pricked to, some people live in that dream all their lives; they never wake up.

There were things I’d kept a deaf ear at for so long, little things I thought didn’t matter much, but then recently I realised those things actually defined me and who I was to myself, you know it’s like letting your spirit come out your body so you can look at your whole entity, scan it through and see you in detail, with all the blemishes, pain, and happiness that make up your persona.

Something like an antivirus scanning through your computer for viruses? That’s when you begin to see what you wanna take out and try to change about yourself, what habits you’re willing to allow and which ones you wanna purge, and what new programs (habits) you wanna install.

It gets to that point and maybe it got to me hard this time, cos I’ve had course to make the hardest deCisiON, one that would soon define who I am, and one I’m willing to live with. One I can look me in the mirror and be proud, one that pulls me closer to my dreams, and one that makes me!!!

April 22, ’17

1:28 am

tHe GiRl I’m GOnna maRRy…

I was walking back home from the office the other day and as I did, I asked meself, what if the girl I finally get to settle down with doesn’t like POetRy? In my mind I was already hysterical as I walked along the sidewalk, it was all I thought about in my long 15minute walk on an average speed of a hundred steps per minute… Hehehe. On a normal day that was uber fast but today wasn’t one of such lucky slow days, I was so impatient and wanted to start writing.

For starters, I’m still single, and searching hard cos I miss being in lOvE, my last love story didn’t last long so I’ve been back around single for what, two years? Yeah and I’ve been in love with the same girl ever since (yeah I get it, but hey keep your voice down, I could hear you telling me to get a life and move on already, you’re that loud… Lol).

But have I really searched? Hmmmmm maybe not hard enough and I think in my two years of being sober (yeah not with the booze… Lol), I’ve met two girls who would have made me get all romantic and emotional again cos I’ve actually forgotten how, but somehow I lost contact with one and the other well, it didn’t just work out right so I kinda fell all in with my first love – music!

In all but one of my past relationships, they never really liked my music thing like they had some kind of a rivalry or something going on which got me thinking they never liked rap until I found them rapping to Eminem and I’m like “Yo’i thought you didn’t like rap?” Hmmmmm or maybe you never really liked me cos the awful face you put out didn’t need someone to say, “hands down” hommie, she’s just not into your Hip Hop thang.

But the last one, my ex, remember, the one I’m still in lOvE with? (Oh I thought you forgot lol) OK so back to the story, at least showed interest and even calls me “rapper” sometimes, and to some degree liked my rap, (loves my writing, and is probably reading this now), and also is enthusiastic about my music, kinda cool if you ask me, but the penultimate one I thought did, a pebble dropped in the river, and the ripple effect just told me how phoney she’d been – (😔).

So all that got me thinking, just maybe… Maybe the woman I’m gonna marry won’t even like my cooking or she’d be so good a chef that she’ll think my cooking sucks! Maybe she wouldn’t like POetRy, or won’t even like it when I get all romantic on her with a gift box I made just for her or have her portrait paiNtinG hanging on the wall, or she might just think my rap song’s wack too… Yeah, and well it’ll be okay not to like all those cos I’ll still do them anyway.

I imagine wRiTinG a poem and having no one to read it to, or wRiTinG a song or a paiNtinG she’d never get to hear/ see or hang on her wall…

I’m not saying it’s gonna be that way but I’m just asking questions like what if she loves me but not what I do? (and maybe this should be the subject to my next song lol).

So well I’m just saying it’s okay if you don’t like all them things, but it only means I’ll have to figure out how to do them in a way that you’re gonna like or find things that interest you and don’t worry if POetRy, raP, paiNtinG, or cOOkinG isn’t one of them… It only means we’ll have to explore the outskirts

lOvE you to the moon baBes, and where are you sef? Cos I’m still trying to find you!

My GPS got me lost in the woods…

i liED, i cHEatED… “tHe tEll iT aLL”

It’s gonna be a long read try sticking to the end… And I’m gonna be blunt on this one!

I grew up in the ghettos of Jos, a good kid with core values (yeah I was raised by my mother). I used to be so shy chicks were like neon lights, I had to stop and stare from a distance before putting away my face whenever I saw one. But along the line something dramatic happened and all that changed, how I got  transformed still remains a clueless journey to my brain but all of a sudden I grew from that reserved, shy, not so talking kid to this outgoing, funny, and goofing around kid that sometimes had to be called to order by my cousins… Lol. 

So here’s my story… 

Now I have a Girlfriend, everything I ever needed in a woman is buried like gold in this supernatural being, and thinking back now I’d say, love found us. I didn’t fight much like I always had to do to convince her to stay, but she’d been around ever since I made that commitment to keep her by my side. She’s beautiful, funny, smart, goofy, intelligent, listens to everything I ever have to say and it doesn’t matter the time or place or what kind of mood she’s in, she just listens. She’s been there when those tears ran, when I felt ashamed of letting water come out my eyes while she watched; she’d say “It’s OK just let them, you don’t have to worry about that; I got you,” squeezing me tightly to herself. 

My highest moments came and the first person I wanted to tell was her, good or bad she’d always had words that made me feel safe; she’d never cheated on me to this day, she’d been true and sincere, and she always tells a brother those words that we love to hear “I love you babe,” and says it until those words fall gently on the skin penetrating deeply beneath, hitting the bones before finally dying in a brother’s heart, she held nothing back! 

But did I stab her in the back, did I take all of her trust for granted? Maybe I did, maybe I thought this day would never come, but my telltale blushes sold me out; I was helpless when it all started. From one, to another, and another, then another until now I have about four side chicks… I feel so ashamed of myself saying this in front of the world but if that helps me put off my guilty face, then I’m ready to be the author of “the tell it all” story.

I met her while I was in Remedials, young, beautiful she was a jewel and a fair one, nothing serious we were just friends. I thought I could keep her only as that, in those sack clothings, but she wanted more so she drifted. I hadn’t any skills of taming a wild horse so instead, I got tamed by the wild horse. She opened up the door to my cheating and by my first year things got intense. It came with a tornado kind of force, I didn’t have the strength to push it back but I didn’t get out of the way either. I stood still when I could’ve ran, and when I should’ve said no I said yes, and that’s where it all began.

I told her about my Girlfriend in a bid to put her off but to my amazement she was cool; she was OK with being the second class citizen so we kept every shit under the radar, never got caught. She knows how much I loved being innovative and would see me through every thought process. She helped me crest a title to my name. I’ve invested time, energy and money into our secret relationship but for every kobo spent, I got a double, and every once in a while, my flat wallet gets puffed up. She tells me “As long as I’m here, you’ll never miss a thing even when your job doesn’t pay.” I’ve told you this before, “l’ll always be here.” She is open and lovely and knows just exactly how to treat a man. She was the first of them all, my first fling, the first of my guilty nightmares.

Now my second side chick, we share a love-hate kind of relationship. The type you’d refer to as the “It’s complicated” type. We fight all the time for no darn reason and fall back in love again, she knows the things I hate but still does them anyway, she won’t stop not even when I want her to, but then again on the flip side, she knows how to love me more than anyone else, she’s Bae… She’s that complexity that defines a woman. And just when I think I’ve had her all figured out like a Rubik’s cube, a new coloured cube just pops up open and I’m left to deal with it all over again. She’s an enigma and from what planet she fell? I really don’t know, but as alien-like as she is, I still keep her close… Making love to this sensual being is like one made in paradise, not of this world. I can’t leave her even when I want to, her lips are like poison to my soul, and at the brush of it, the salve runs through my veins faster than a vipers venom, until my brain shuts down completely. 

Then my third, the cool headed one, she gives me peace. Whenever I have a problem I run to her, always has ears for me. She reminds me of my Girlfriend sort of, but she barely speaks and even when I talk from now till the next morning, she’s always ready to hear me out. She might not have all the solutions to my problems, but, at least she let’s me figure it out myself. She makes me think outside the box. Gives me course to research until I got to the root of it, she helps me be a man of my own all by myself. It was her idea, but she’d rather I take the center stage while she lurks in the shadows. It was always all about me. 

And lastly, my fourth, my behind the counter chick. I don’t do much alcohol, I only drink when I’m around friends, just a bottle or two and I’m out, next will be in a couple of months so this, she only comes around when I drink. But then anytime she comes around, she leaves memories that last for eons. She knows how to perfectly connect. And I’m not just talking me, you’d have to notice her ethereal beauty and charisma, she has this persona that is so revealing with a wonderful panache to match. She’s the life of the party like it as not, and each time we’re together, I almost never exist, and it’s like I’m invisible cos you only see her, maybe after a while you just notice this creepy little guy beside her who you wonder how the heck in the world these two got together and came to be in the first place, and the worst part… She’s my side chick! 

I’d gotten frisky with these women, had and shared beautiful moments together, but this is just another day in the life of Snowball, a day “I chose to let it all out.” For those of you who are so disappointed in me (I know a whole lot are), I’m sorry but I’m not perfect, (I know you’re probably reading this Girly but I couldn’t tell it to your face), sorry I let you down, but it’s who I am and I can’t change that.

To the most beautiful Girlfriend in the world (music), you know I love you to the moon baBe, you’re irreplaceable and you know it. Now I’m not trying to be manipulative but what we share is one that cannot be measured, we are invincible and nothing can stop us, we’re heading for the stars. We’d be the fist couple to ever live in it… And I just wanna say “I’m sorry!”

And to my side chicks ARcHiteCtuRe, POetRy, wRiTinG, and paiNtinG in that order, I love you beautiful ladies too, but only as side chicks and conques. I’d do anything for you, take you to the Caribbeans, buy you all the good stuff; diamonds and pearls just about anything, but then again truth is, I can never leave her for you… Music? She’s my life! And it’s like we’re married already, so I can’t sign the divorce papers, I’m sorry!!!

Oh My Mother: retfa eht llac… 

… Emma… Mama’s gone… 

Eight hours earlier… 

I’d just returned back from work cos though it was a Saturday, my boss called for me to come help out with some office work (think the call made me change my mind from traveling). 

I took with me my sound card and headphones (of course I had my laptop in my backpack) since I was gonna be alone and a day before, I ran into this beat on my laptop which I’d started and abandoned. But that Friday I couldn’t cos the piano sounded great and the bass too was awesome so I got hooked on it soon as I played it from my Fruity Loops (FL) Studio. Just when I was about done with the beat my sister called in since she’d been at the hospital with mom to update me about her health condition; it didn’t sound good, and in that trice, something in me just took over and I began laying words on that beat. That part of me that was inclined to singing other than the usual rap showed up and took the center stage and so verse by verse I wrote until the song was almost done, electricity went off and in a short while I shutdown. 

Saturday afternoon I opened the door, flung my back pack on the couch and laid on the rug, in a little over thirty minutes electricity was back (oh sweet Jesus I could almost hear me yell). I set up my studio and was ready to roll, I was done with the lyrics and was trying to master the track, I finished up but kept on with it, I was singing to the headphones playing in my head, I sang until the lights went out but I was done so no worries. All that remains now is the voice over, that would either be in Jos or Abuja so I went outside the room to get some air cos all of a sudden, the room was overly hot again. 

I got out and Reuben my friend and neighbor was out already, we talked you know as guys would, talked about different things before delving into soccer which was his favorite, and as we did I was like an open drain cos I was jittery, I could barely hear myself speak, I kept thinking about my mom and any call on my phone gave me a jump in my heart, I hadn’t eaten lunch and it was dinner time already and the sad part is I hadn’t prepared any food and didn’t even have the appetite for any but I knew I had to eat. 

My phone rang, I looked and it was my sister, how far I asked?  Fine! Mama’s not breathing well so I’m going downstairs to go fetch the doctors, OK I said. I told Reuben I was gonna go get some groceries but soon as I stepped out that gate, all I wanted to do was sit… On the road; on the sidewalk just anywhere… I was restless and sweaty. I found a spot beside a hotel that had the grocery shop and I sat on the pavement… A minute passed and it felt like I’d been there the whole day, I got up went to the shop and bought all that I needed to buy and headed straight home, I was outside with Reuben again. Vick my sister called while I was out and in just about five minutes after the call she called back again… I knew it was it… And the words ran…

OK! I didn’t know where I was in the next couple of minutes that came, my friend had noticed my silence and didn’t utter a word either. I waited for the tears but they wouldn’t roll, so I picked up the courage and I told him Mama ta tafi… (Mama’s gone)… He followed me quietly to my room trying to strengthen me asking that I’d be strong. All of a sudden all the pain I’d felt and the perplexity just vanished in an instant and I felt that lump drop; I was calm. The time was 21:35 I looked, April 22nd, I’d never forget.

Mama had passed an hour earlier 8 pm 8:30 pm there about, so all that five minutes between calls I’d been saying all the while was only five minutes in my head; more than an hour had passed, I was that restless and so out of sync with time. But after I’d regained myself, I began sending news to my friends who’d been there for me throughout the journey (thank you so much guys, I couldn’t ask for better friends than you; you are my family). 

May the heavens and angels receive your gentle soul Mama, I’ll miss you; that dance we always had, but I’m happy cos now you’re resting, you don’t have to feel no pain no more. Your time here’s done and that’s why you had to leave, don’t worry I’m strong now, I have an army of people who’d take care of me while you’re away… I have a friend I can always bug, she even asked me to share her mom too… Lol! So bye now Mama… 

Here’s a link https://soundcloud.com/user-750998328 you can download the song I made for her for free titled “Inen Le” meaning “Oh My Mother” (in my local language Alago) . Please enjoy and share with your friends. Thanks for always stopping by… 

Oh My Mother – erofeb eht llac… 

You don’t now but eventually you will, you’re not gonna know it but it will come maybe not today but soon, you’ll see! 
My cousin’s words ran as we sat on the couch chitty chatting. My mother passed on after battling first arthritis for so many years, but it was recently (two years ago) that everything intensified taking different dimensions from two of her discs crashing to having multiple fractures on her arm and femur. 

My mom had two surgeries within a year and for her age (approximately 75-85) you can tell what effect that would have on her. But anyways my mom fought hard like a soldier after the first major surgery (lumbar laminectomy and disectomy). Her Physio therapist (McMillian)  was amazing and mom picked up pretty fast using a walker and within a few months could move herself round the spacious living room without help, she could stand herself and even go to her bedroom alone. But all that came to an end when she fractured her arm. She became scared and that slowed her recovery and even when the arm eventually healed she could barely rely on them. 

In a little over two months after the arm, she again had a broken thigh bone and well complications set in after the second surgery to repair the femur and on 22nd April this year, she passed. God rest her soul. 

In these two years I watched my mother’s health deteriorate and it was like I could see her vanishing into the dunes, sometimes you think the blurry image is becoming clearer until you realize it’s just one from your head; your wishful image of her hoping she gets better.

In the first month of her illness, I got so scared and the thought of not coming back home to meet my mom only brought tears to my eyes and I could barely hold them back. I cried as soon as I got back to Lafia, I couldn’t be a man that day sitting alone in my room. I never saw my mom on a sick bed in all my years and suddenly loosing her? The thought of it I couldn’t bear, and somehow I began to get used to it and all I resolved to was prayer which soon took away all the depression I felt at the time and with that I thought it wise to spend more time with her instead (and I’m glad I did that). 

I got news from my sister about three days before her passing that mom was spinning and couldn’t recognize her again, her condition was declining fast and asked for me to come home… I couldn’t face it, I was home just the weekend before and I was at the hospital with her the whole time and it was such a beautiful moment; we had a great time together, but I wasn’t ready to ruin all that so I stayed back. It was like I saw it coming though you know that feeling of it might or it mightn’t? I had that for some inexplicable reason as I gazed at my mom, it was a strange feeling this time; it was different. I could tell it was our final moments but didn’t know how to come to terms with it, didn’t know whether or not to believe it I was confused really, so I said my rosary just like she’d tought me. 

That evening I was outside talking soccer with my neighbor but all I thought about was my mom, I tried to calm myself down but all that would go south and in just about five minutes, a call came through… Emma… Mama’s gone… 

Oh Stubborn Heart!!! 

Oh stubborn heart

Why do you cause me so much pain? 

You troll the entire city of hopelessness 

only to leave me in anguish and disdain.

You’ve relegated me to the flangs.

And even when I want out,

your persistence keeps me locked in the deep.

Wallowing in addiction I’ve become your slave,

my feet’s too heavy and unable to move.

And I understand your strength comes

from the ray of sunlight,

straining through that bright tiny hole;

That illume you say is your victory song,

but what you keep forgetting is the darkness.

Darkness that will soon consume you to itself

until there’s nothing left…

I’m weak, tired, and inundated.

For everything I ever owned

no longer belongs to me,

and all I’d been trying to reach

keeps going far-off farther away from me.

You clinch your fist

and cling to that wand you hold.

Your resilience is second to non,

you’ve got me all worked up in your delusional fairytale.

And I’ve seen great kings fall to your mellow.

Albeit I made a vow to not be like them,

what do I do

when all of me you own?
Oh stubborn heart!

Let me saddle this horse of freedom.

My soul yearns

but you keep me bounded at both ends.

And your holding on for too long drains me,

it saps every cell in me until I’m all dried up.

Let that first drop of rain touch me on my black skin,

let it turn my leaves green;

let it revive me.

Let my troubled soul come out that jar,

set this genie free.

For I’m ready to let go;

ready to fly away.

Yes!

I’m ready to find my lost sheep!! 

What’s In That Big Open Space… – That Blue???

What’s In That Big Open Space… – That Blue???
I came outside my room after about 30minutes aerobics at my lobby to get some air; some natural air i.e outside before having a shower to wipe off the sweat off my skin, I took a seat on my neighbour’s giant generator breathing heavily and after just a few seconds, my eyes were up gazing at this beauty… this beautiful sky which soon afterwards gave rise to these questions...

I looked deep into the sky, looked South looked up North, looked West looked far East but there was no end to it, all I could see was space; wide open space. Was I really expecting to see anything? A UFO maybe…lol but no there was nothing!! Maybe that premeditation prompted the bigger question “what’s in my open space”? I look at myself most times with a third eye, wondering what lies ahead in my tenebrific realm especially when it seems a little bit rough on the inside, that time when everything seems to be caving in with you sticking your arm right up hoping someone would just grab it lest you get buried beneath the surface.

In about five minutes just  before getting up to take a shower-step, I noticed a relieving smile on my face, think I found the answer, answer to that question  I was asking a few minutes ago, what’s lying in that open space must be something exceedingly beautiful else why can we not see it? It had to be I thought cos if it be nothing then there was no reason hiding it from us, guess that’s why God had to just let the beautiful sky cover us and leave us with the just-imagine effect. Then again I thought that my dreams, me, my relationship, my future is thusly beautiful, outrageously since I can’t see it. I can only live with the excitement that comes with it and the feeling of fulfilment it gives me.

Certain things give me that push every day and enough reasons not to break, encouragements from self, beautiful people around me who give me soul lifting words every now and then I couldn’t let them down let alone myself even when I step into that dark planet. I’ve always found a way to turn darkness into light and that sadness into gladness, one of the reasons why I always want to walk home after work every day no matter how tiring or tasking the day was, it is my way of relaxing so don’t come jumping on me trying to give me a lift home (lol at least not now since I’m only a few meters away from the office), I’ve always rejected that kind gesture with a warm smile hoping to diddle them with it and its always worked out for me (thanks to my beautiful smiles hehe… ). Each time I see my bosses taking a ride home my prayer begins; oh please don’t ask me to hop into your ride plsssss….lol. And after a few seconds with a smile I say, thank God.

It’s beautiful when you find something to fall back to after a long day; something that brings you back alive, something that awakens your spirit and makes you the beautiful human being that God created you for, cos if darkness was good and was the whole nine yards, then there wouldn’t have been such a thing called day, everywhere would have been locked in it with no traces of light but since we have them in equal share, then its only right to share and enjoy in that big open space everyone has, it is for us to dwell in and always remain hopeful. I don’t know about y’all but, my big open space is BEAUTIFUL!!!